I am one with my bed.
I am one with the mattress.
I am one with the Egyptian cotton sheets.
I am also completely and utterly one with the deepest most heavenly slumber… and then like a bat to the side of my head, without any warning comes… the URGE.
OMG, I’m soooo comfortable. I don’t want to move. I simply cannot and will not budge from this nocturnal ecstasy.
Let me repeat my mantra once again…
I am one with my bed.
I am one with the M A T T….OH _ @#%!!!& , seriously, it’s not working!
The evil, menopausal, bladder puppeteer has entered my REM state and is manipulating me out of the loving arms of my beloved, 800 count, Egyptian, cotton sheets.
Ok, the next question to ponder is, how long can I actually wait until I have lost all control?
Let me answer…not long! So lets do this, I’m up. I’ve risen.
As I trip through the blackness of my bedroom, on my quest to locate my rightful seat on the throne, I head towards what I think is the direction of the bathroom.
Yes, the door knob, yes, I am standing in my closet. Being off by just a few feet is not a good thing when you have to pee.
No worries, I can do this. A slight right and I will be in the proper room to relieve myself.
Perfect, I begin to lower myself onto the porcelain goddess, only to be shocked to discover that like Alice in Wonderland, I’m falling into the blackness of a wet rabbit hole.
Word of advice: Always check to see if the toilet seat is down.
Oh, feeling so much better now. Time to find my way back to that horizontal, blissful slab Of foam. My dog has smartened up and moved out of my way as he hears me stumble through the night. As I approach my bed, feeling the top of the mattress with my hands, I stub my toe …”cheers,” this definitely won’t be the last time that my toe and the metal frame of the boxspring join for a celebratory toast or should I say TOEst? I know, I know really corny.
Of course, now that I’ve done all that work, I’m completely parched. I reach for my bottled water that I keep on my nightstand next to my bed knowing that this will definitely cause me to repeat the cycle all over again.
First my breasts drop and now my bladder, what’s next, my face? Don’t answer that, I still have some time left on that one.
To avoid this issue there are three things you should never do before bed.
1) Never drink any water ever again
2) Never drink any water ever again
3) Never drink any water ever again
That should do it. I hope this helps all of my peeing, peri and post menopausal sista’s.