Although I cannot scientifically prove this, I am certain that the overnight growth of unusually long, varied in texture & color, chin hair, is the result of extreme stress caused by my ex, the divorce process and the sleazy divorce attorney that I hired.
Think about it, I go to sleep, wake up the next morning, and there is a curly, 3 foot follicle wrapped around my neck. Was it there the night before…..NO! Exactly my point!
Now, what was going on the day before my chin decided to have a “hair party” without letting me know?
I was struggling to navigate through my third round of mediation talks. My attorney wanted replenishment of his retainer and my friend who promised to store my oriental rugs in her attic, while I desperately searched for temporary housing, decided to put those very rugs out on the curb for garbage pick-up…why you may wonder?
Apparently, I declined meeting her for dinner 2 consecutive times in a row and she took offense to that. So naturally, she made the thoughtful decision to no longer hold my stuff as she had promised. Of course, it never occurred to her that perhaps I did not have the budget for such culinary activities at that particularly difficult time in my life.
Ok, let me attempt to continue to describe the follicle forest that sprouted from the southerly part of my face:
In addition to the 3 foot hair wrapped around my neck, were 2 sharp, white, wire-like hairs, reminiscent of a catfish. Lastly, was the black, pubic-esque follicle that was truly disturbing to see and feel. As it sat there cemented to my chin, mocking me from the view of my magnifying mirror, I knew I had take severe measures to restore my feminine visage. I began to systematically use my favorite orange, “Tweezerman,” LTD special edition tweezers to remove as much hair as I could. The next step was make an emergency appointment with a laser specialist…it is not easy being a girl.
Now that you have a clear visual, let me share my divorcement observations with you in regards to the untimely arrival of chin hair. It goes as follows:
Each irritating, lowlife, worrisome, stress inducing person in my life has their very own hair stored secretly beneath the surface of my chin. When an especially ugly scenario, starring that special someone arises, that designated follicle rears it’s ugly head. The really fascinating fact is that each person is represented by a hair unique to only them. This is how I know it’s not just “menopausal” chin hair, but rather divorce related hair.
See the chart below:
Divorce Attorney -Piercing, white, straight, catfish-like in appearance
Ex -Curly, long, and a color that does not exist anywhere else on my body
All the other people in my life that were not there for me when I needed them -Black, pubic-like in texture and very disturbing to look at when prominently visible on my face.
My solution…. 3 sets of tweezers residing in 3 very specific locations.
Obviously, I needed to have a set in my handbag and the bathroom. However, the most crucial set live in the glove compartment of my car. There is no better light in the universe, than the light that pours into your car and highlights that special hair like a flashing neon sign in the darkness of the night. Oh the ease in which I am able to pluck that mother &%!@ off of my face is so gratifying. Instantly, I go from pre-pubescent boy face to feminine visage once again.
Until tomorrow morning…
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